Dear Love | The Things We Can’t Take Back

Things We Can't Take Back

Photo: CreateHer Stock

We are emotional beings. Often times our relationships are where they fly at an all-time high. And if you have been in the love game any amount of time, you know that a bunch of emotions swirling between two people can create the perfect storm. Sometimes causing irreversible damage. So we should try by all means to avoid the scenarios that we can’t take back.

The first time this concept really hit me was during my pre-marital counseling. Our pastor talked a lot about conflict resolution. He went into how when we don’t manage it properly, we are slowly but surely eroding the relationship. How can anyone continuously recover from name calling or hitting below the belt or any of the other behaviors that take place in heated arguments?

The fact of the matter is that some wounds take a very long time to heal. Though we mouth the words “I forgive you,” there still may be some gashes of the heart slowly trying to close. Sometimes our forgiveness is quick, but the time it takes to trust again may be a slower process. How can you trust someone with your inner most thoughts, if in the midst of an argument they are thrown back in your face? Then there is a slow withdrawal process and you don’t confide in that person as much because you know in the heat of the moment it will be used against you. These are common occurrences in relationships and literally a playground for the enemy to come in and wreak havoc.  

Click to Tweet/// Sometimes forgiveness is quick, but the time it takes to trust again may be a slower process. 

And I, my friend, am guilty as charged. I have completely let emotions affect my better judgment and I hate those moments. I feel so weak in those moments because I know that I have control over my actions. It’s never about suppressing the emotions as much as allowing yourself to feel them, analyze them and then trying to effectively communicate them to your partner. Does it mean that you will never get angry? NO! You will. That’s life. But we can easily handle each other with care even in those moments. We need to see the importance of handling these situations with care too and be able to see the effects they may have in the long term.

Think about it. When you are handling a less than friendly situation at work, do you scream and holler like a mad person? I highly doubt that. I bet that you have mastered a way more professional process for conflict resolution on your job. Why can’t we apply some of those same principles when it comes to those that we say we love? Sometimes we treat those in close relationship to us worse than strangers. That’s super backwards.

There are a lot of moments that I can think of that I wish I would have just taken a step back for a moment and really analyzed my feelings. There have even been moments I asked God for his guidance but my emotions were raging so loudly I couldn’t even hear his voice. At the crux of it, we really have to grow up a bit when we talk about being able to handle conflict effectively. Whatever it is, whether it’s counting to three, or yelling out woosah, or singing a song. Honestly, we have to find our methods in order to avoid complete meltdowns.

You will hear me say all the time that our words are REALLY, REALLY important. They honestly cut deep. The last thing that you want with someone that you plan on spending your life with is to leave them walking around with wounds from the things that you’ve said. Life and death is truly in the power of the tongue and you can either speak life into someone or you can completely tear them down.

It doesn’t mean that we won’t make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of the game here. But we’re adults. We are in control of our actions no matter how much we want to say, “Well, he or she made me do it.” Sure, your mate will piss you off from time to time. But it doesn’t give you the right to degrade them or name call or any of the other childish things that we do because we don’t know how to properly articulate that something hurt us.

I am completely working on my verbal communication. I am so the person who just shuts down. It’s like I literally cannot process a situation quickly enough to address it right then and there. The hardest thing to say at times is “When you did this, it made me feel _________.” Instead we lash out, we project onto others our own insecurities, and we complicate our exchanges by pushing our partners away.

Click to Tweet/// We complicate the resolution process when we lash out or project our insecurities onto others. 

Understand that when we are talking about the long run, not the dating a couple months or fly by night peeps, but the long-term, that a lifetime is a really long time. You want to make sure that you are creating an atmosphere of comfort, love and security. We’ll talk about that soon on the blog! To withstand time, we need to do our best to ensure that we are lifting our partners up in a way that they will be better than ever and that they will continue to grow and you will too and the love will be insurmountable.

I’m right there with you learning this very important lesson and doing my best to adjust and move a little slower when it comes to my emotions. Often reciting “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” (James 1:19). I’m not there yet, but I see the need.  

Tell me, have you found yourself in situations that you wish you could have taken back? Have you made a permanent decision based off a temporary emotion? 

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