Photo: Createher Stock
Love is something that so many of us say that we want. I’m talking intimate relationships here. We’re in the weirdest space where love seems hard to find so many people kind of shrug it off. Yet, deep down they still really desire it. I guess in the words of Kev Carr, love is still very relevant. Whether it seems like it is easily obtainable in today’s dating pool or not, a key factor in really allowing yourself to receive love is to be open to it.
I had the funniest experience with a single friend of mine. We were walking into a store and a gentleman was driving in the parking lot and said from his window something to the effect of “You ladies are gorgeous.” I turned around with a smile saying thanks, meanwhile my single friend was grimacing. Ha! What’s wrong with that picture? I am the very not single one who accepted the compliment graciously, yet the one in the market was all “why are you even speaking to me.” Granted the gentlemen was a little older, but he didn’t ask for our numbers, he gave a compliment and we kept it moving. But it made me realize that sometimes what we say we want, we may not be open to.
No this wasn’t a guy that she would have wanted, but I think there is something to be said for a receiving spirit. What if she turned around with the mean mug and it was possibly a guy she would be into? First impressions are everything and a man is not going to approach you with the grimace unless that is specifically his thing. So often, especially in a city like Philadelphia where many of us do have tough exteriors, I feel like many single friends are giving “NO” before anyone ever even approaches them and that may be a factor in their “singledom.”
Don’t get me wrong. Some people want to be single and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if that’s what you choose. But I am speaking in reference to people who definitely have voiced that they want relationships. But I am trying to figure out how anyone would ever feel comfortable approaching them. They don’t seem ready or open internally.
Notice in this post I am talking about being open to love, not chasing it. There is no one in my immediate circle that I know that is in a happy relationship that was actually actively seeking their partner. That may be a fluke, but what I have found is that most relationships have blossomed from places you would least expect. They had a class together and took a liking to one another. They were friends for some time and then it dawned on them that they liked one another. They worked together and became close and then started dating. I have really yet to find the person who was desperate for a relationship that found a lasting one.
Is that to say that you can’t be proactive? NO. You know me. I never would suggest things like that. But I think it starts with an openness in your spirit that will attract people to you even before you have to pursue. And by all means, I encourage people to get it how they get it. I am not against online dating or meeting legit people through social media or any of those things. I am the “Shoot your shot girl.” I definitely believe that if you are getting all the right signals that you should definitely make your wants known to a person. But often I find that there tends to be a lot of inner work that people need before getting into relationships and that could be a factor in why they are single. Clearly there are many other reasons. I know some peeps are crazy out here.
Click to Tweet/// There is inner work to do before getting into a relationship where the real work starts.
Even if a relationship is what you want, continue to live your life. What I am suggesting is just not to get so caught up in the pursuit of love that you aren’t just radiating love in your life. I am advocating to love you first, to know what makes you happy, and to still enjoy life in the midst of finding that counterpart. I think that self-fulfillment will attract what you want in love. Love has been one of those things in my life that has always hit me upside the head when I LEAST expected it. But I wasn’t closed off to it. I just wasn’t thinking about it. Haha! And so those were the moments when I attracted people to my life that I never expected to. So often people are pining so hard to be in relationships and don’t even realize that is where the real work freaking starts. Enjoy only thinking about you and perfecting you and it will probably make the transition into relationship even easier. And be flexible which seems to be my word of the year. Sometimes we get so into ourselves that we have difficulty introducing someone else into the picture. Balance is everything in life folks.
And you may say, well how can I be open to love without chasing it? Well here are some of my simple ideas about it:
- Don’t be the resting B face chick. Ha! Seriously though. And you may say, well why are people always telling women how to be? I would say the same for men, but often we are not approaching the men. They are approaching us, so they are not going to be ice grilling us while trying to get our info. Stop being mean to people just because you don’t think they’re you’re type. Your type might be watching from across the street and you’re so mean to the other person that they keep it moving. Like as a human being, whether you are looking for love or not, be nicer to people.
- Stop getting caught up in the hype. I tell people all the time, what are your 5 non-negotiables? Other than that, you need to learn to be open to what God gives you. I adore my significant other, but I always tell people he was so much of what I needed and not what I thought I wanted. That sounds crazy but it’s the truth. And he’s handsome yall, so don’t go there. LOL. Attraction is an important thing. But what I am saying is, there are certain things about his personality that I probably wouldn’t have listed on the “Things Ashley wants” list, but those aspects of who he is, helped me become a better version of who I am. Stop thinking that you know best for yourself. Really God always knows better.
- Go out! No you don’t have to be in the club. But I don’t understand people that want to find a mate that are just in the house praying God sends them a mate. Like duh. He may have one for you but you’re in the house. Be social. That shows openness that you are interested in finding a counterpart. There are art shows, comedy shows, cruises, all these things that you can do socially to just get to know more people.
- Kick the unrealistic expectations. You don’t have to put your stock in every guy or girl you meet. Like it’s cool to JUST get to know people without automatically assuming they are your next husband or wife. My fiancé and I spent time together with NO EXPECTATIONS before we actually started dating one another. It was DOPE to build that friendship first! So that now even in the times we want to kill each other, we remember the friendship and that brings us back to one.
Be like Kanye and be free. Ha. No don’t really be like Kanye. But I honestly believe that a lot of the energy we put out, we get back. If you are radiating love, I believe love will find you. It’s not always on our time, but God’s timing is the best timing. Open yourself up. Give people a freaking chance. Like dating is hard people. Mustering up the nerve to go talk to someone is difficult. Men don’t like rejection either. Be kind. Be nicer. And it’s okay if you don’t want that person. You do not have to treat them like crap in the process.
Be honest with yourself, be honest with the person you're with and keep it moving if that person is playing games. Focus on building with people as people and I guarantee, love will knock you over the head someday, most often when you least expect it.
Have you found yourself claiming to want love but not making any moves to be open to it? Drop a line about it in the comments below.