I was working and I looked up at the clock and realized that within 30 minutes my love was going to be walking through that front door from his trip. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “What man would want to come home to this?” Ha! So I ran around and got myself together, fluffed out the fro, put on some real clothes, earrings and even a little bit of lip gloss. When he came in, I grabbed his bag, gave him a kiss on the cheek and he looked stunned. You might say, really? All of that? But what I realize for certain is that lazy love breeds lazy results and that won’t be me!
Yes one of the perks of being in a long-term relationship is that you are definitely past the phases of working really hard to impress one another. But I tend to think that the moment we get TOO comfortable is when things begin to go downhill. Listen, it took a while for me to wear a bonnet to bed and we definitely all suffer from a little relationship weight. But outside of that, I am such a proponent for keeping yourself together when it comes to your physical appearance and things in a relationship.
At the end of the day, as much as your attraction has grown past the physical things, that’s where it probably started. Yes some of us became friends first and blah, blah, blah, but I believe in passion and physical attraction in relationships that thrive. So if that’s what kind of initiated things, what makes you think those things no longer are important just because you both are committed or in some cases have actually taken the next step and jumped the broom? In my estimation, it’s more important at those times to make sure that they never forget that “You still got it!”
We look up and we think, “Why doesn’t he take me out the way he used to?” or “Why doesn’t she treat me the way she used to?” And a lot of times it’s because we aren’t doing the things that used to warrant that behavior! It’s all about filling each other love tanks! We all have a tank and the more you speak our love language, the higher the gage goes. And when our tank is full, we are more apt to do the things it takes to fill yours. But in many relationships, both people are running around on E, trying to figure out why the other one no longer does the things that make them happy. Make sense?
It was important to me that after my man traveled from city to city, seeing many other people, that when he walked through the door, he looked and thought, what a great woman I have here. And yes I am great for many other reasons. I maintain a good household, I’m supportive and loving and all of the “beyond the surface” things that matter. But DAG ON IT, I still want my man to appreciate my surface as well! Maybe you don’t care and that’s cool. I always encourage people to do what works for them! But for me, I have a man who works in the entertainment field and is constantly around people looking their best. I will not be the homely woman he is coming home to.
Does this mean that I won’t ever get caught slipping? Well of course. I mean this man has seen me when my afro is flat on one side from sleeping on it. HAHAHA! And he loves me anyway. But I always want him to feel like I put effort into myself and into our relationship. If you are a lazy lover, you are going to get lazy results. That’s the bottom line and that is true in anything in life. You cannot expect a relationship to survive on auto-pilot.
I was thinking recently about the fact that maybe some people just won’t be cut out for relationships. Everyone thinks they want a relationship until they’re in it and realize the work that it takes. Relationship is not just about what you can get out of it. It’s also about what you put in. What you can give. How you can make another person feel and be that support and love they need in their life. And that incorporates WORK.
I work on myself, I work on learning him, I work on loving and supporting him, being the woman he needs as his helpmeet. He works on being a provider, a protector and works on remembering to take me on date nights and make me feel appreciated. It is give and take. You can’t do all the giving or the taking. It is a dance and a balance. But be encouraged. Often you can get out what you put in. Just make certain what you’re giving is your 100% and not just 50% thinking that will work.
And if you are not ready, stop trying to act like you are. If you just want to sit in your funky PJs and be great and not worry about how the person feels coming home to you, be single! I am sure that has so many of its own perks. But as for me in this house? When I am conscious of it, I do my best to ensure that he is always in remembrance of what he has both through just being a good person on the inside and being a cutie on the outside too!
Have you ever just been completely lazy and comfortable in a relationship to a fault? Do you feel like it is super shallow to still have to worry about looks when you’re in a committed relationship?
Dear Love Brunch
Don't forget! This Sunday, we are getting together to talk about life, love and relationships! At this intimate gathering the food is great, the mimosas are pouring and the conversation is candid! This time around we're talking about compromise vs. settling. Just a few spots left, you can register here!