Dear Love | Getting Out of Your Own Way

I help women get out of their own way, so great guys like Albert Brennamen have a fighting chance.
— Hitch
Lock and Key

Yes that is a line from Hitch and yes I was watching it recently. It’s a darn good movie. But when I heard that line, I shouted all types of amens! I have found that the more I talk to various women, the more I realize that they are indeed in their own way.

This behavior really presents itself in more ways than one. Most often we think about it in terms of not giving “good guys” a chance, like in Albert’s case with Allegra – I’m telling you, watch the movie if you haven’t. That is its own thing for sure. We have this list and requirements of what our ideal man is supposed to be and end up having all the trouble in the world trying to find him. But that’s just one, over exposed way that we’re in our own way. I want to give you a couple more instances.

I was speaking with a friend in their early 40s and they were talking about how they are just living their life and not really thinking about a man, but deep down hoping that eventually they’ll find somebody. Well I hate to break it to you but there is some action involved in finding a partner like actually dating some people. You have to make yourself available enough for guys to want to ask you out. If you are acting super unapproachable, then you are going to have a hard time finding “the one.” Should you be out here looking super desperate? No, but you should be open and putting yourself in environments conducive to meeting new people.

There was another instance at my Dear Love Brunch actually, where one of the young ladies was having a decent conversation with a gentleman at the bar before the other ladies arrived. As we went upstairs for our brunch, she was upset over the fact that the gentleman didn’t ask to continue the conversation by asking for her number or the like. We all sat back and said, well, if you liked him and his convo, why didn’t you say, “Hey, are you seeing anyone? Would you maybe want to link sometime after this?” Sometimes we are so caught up in being “chased” that we don’t realize it’s okay to be vocal about being interested in someone. I’m definitely a believer in allowing a man to pursue a woman but just because you make the first move, doesn’t mean you have to make all of them. You made it known and then the ball is in his court to call. She went back and they exchanged numbers by the way. That’s how we roll at the Dear Love Brunches. Haha!

We also just in general work so hard to control everything that we get in our own way! Recently I was engaging in a Twitter convo about whether women should be trying to tell their man what kind of ring they want and what type of engagement they want. What in the what? An engagement is the ONE thing probably that a man gets to control on his own in a relationship. WHY are we, the women, also trying to control it? We are trying to control when it happens, who he asks to go with him to shop for the ring, etc. I don’t know about you, but none of the rings I entertained myself with meant NADA to me when he actually popped the question. It was perfect. Our night was perfect, he was perfect. How are you worried about all that silly stuff when a man is telling you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? THAT’S what we should really be focused on. Give me a break!

We want to reject the fact that we set the standard. Listen, it's not getting any easier out here with the changing climate of how men and women relate to one another. I get it, but we don't have to settle for Netflix and Chilling if we don't want to. It's annoying I know, but once we accept that we set the standard for how we are treated, the better off we will be. Stop accepting anything when you know what you really want. You are in your OWN way if you are acting cool with a situationship when you really want something exclusive. And stop thinking that all of a sudden he is going to want the relationship he told you he wasn't ready for. That's on you boo boo kitty. 

Essentially the list can honestly go ON and ON about the ways in which women get in their own way when it comes to love. We say that we want this storybook romance. We want a life partner, we want someone to be witness to our forever. But we can’t get past whether he made the first move or whether he has the right figure salary, or has the right balance of gentleman and hoodlum. It’s cool if that’s stuff is important to you, but I would like you to stop complaining that it’s so hard to find a good man, discouraging others.

There are amazing men out here. But nothing worth having is easy right? That includes finding a worthwhile boyfriend or husband. Take your time, be kind, and be open to some of the things that you may not have thought you wanted. Sometimes God will give you a man that’s everything you needed and nothing that you thought you wanted!  Take your hands off of the wheel and learn how to be led into a place of being discovered. Life is that perfect balance of faith and works. Work on being the significant other that a person can’t resist, but also trust that God knows what you desire. Balance.

A few steps to getting out of your own way...

  • Working on Pride – Pride will keep you from great things like meeting the love of your life. It can keep you from telling the person you are with that your life is better with them than without. Fate favors humility.
  • Letting Go of Control – Stop trying to control every freaking thing! Like in the instance before, the young lady exchanged numbers with the gentlemen, but after that she couldn’t will him to call. She had to let go of the reigns. If he called great, if not, it wasn’t meant to be.
  • Give Someone a Chance – Love can come from unlikely places. Will it hurt you to go on that one date? To stop friend zoning the one guy who has been there through all the breakups. You may be surprised what you find.
  • Find Your Core Values – Cut the stupid list of requirements up that you have for a man and start over. What are the 5 CORE Values you need a man to have? The others are negotiable honey. Believe me! 

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