There has been a war going on between me and my feelings for some time.
For as long as I can remember I have always been a person who feels. Whether it’s balling my eyes out at Titanic when we already know the ending or being hard on myself for something that I messed up, I feel. I’m feeling all the time.
But for probably just as long, I have found myself always trying to cover up those feelings. To talk myself out of their validity. And though I know that feelings are always changing it’s important to understand them and experience them even if just to say, “Oh that was silly.” I, on the other hand, have this habit of suppressing which may be part of the reason I am on edge most hours of most days. Pardon me while I self-evaluate here for a bit.
CLICK TO TWEET // Though I know that feelings are always changing it's important to understand them and experience them
I’m always working overtime to discredit myself for feeling some type of way about most things. I am my father’s child. I am sensitive and at most times defensive. Sometimes I don’t know how to stop completely internalizing my own self-criticism, which leads into thinking that I’m not good enough. Then not only am I dealing with those emotions, I am also dealing with the voice inside my head that tells me I am ridiculous for thinking I’m not good enough.
How can a person who is constantly in battle in their own mind, be a peace? It’s difficult. And so that’s where I struggle. That is where I call on God to calm my mind and to ease my anxiety. That is where I am constantly asking God to manifest the fruit of the spirit within me. That is where growth comes in and self-evaluation like the one I am sharing with you right now.
It’s okay to feel. That’s what I am learning. It’s okay to feel and be completely unreasonable about it. As long as you don’t stay there. But if you’re like me, you have to stop trying to talk yourself out of the feeling before you even allow it to take hold. Because it’s not that you’re good at controlling your feelings it’s that you are suppressing them and they are manifesting in pains in your body, and not feeling motivated at times and many other things that come along with people who tend to bottle things up.
Then right alongside learning to feel is learning how to be a better communicator. This whole sucking at verbal communication has been haunting me lately and I know that it’s truly time to shape up. Sometimes in the closest relationships to me, I just have such a difficult time communicating properly. Saying what I actually mean instead of spinning the person in circles because I’m actually just thinking out loud to figure out what I actually mean to say. I know you’re confused reading that but nonetheless.
It’s like there is this fear that I will be called out on the irrational. And lately I have been thinking about how important is to be okay with that. You don’t have to understand how I am feeling to take my feelings into account. That’s the tough skin. I no longer want to battle about what I think is appropriate for me to feel or thoughts of being an “irrational” woman in her feelings. Sure sometimes you can check a thought and say, you know what, “it’s just close to that time of the month.” But other times, your thoughts, your fears, your emotions, they are valid.
I’ve always been a heart girl. As much as I admire that my mother is kind of head girl. I have always led with my heart. I have always been the type that feels, deeply. And it’s time to settle into that and learn how to navigate that in this world that moves fast and tells us we’re irrational and tells us to pull it together and to be strong.
30 is teaching me some things about myself. I must admit. And you just get tired of your own BS at a certain point in your life. And that’s when true change manifests.
CLICK TO TWEET // You just get tired of your own BS at a certain point, and that's when true change manifests
Have you ever put too much pressure on yourself to think with your head while suppressing your heart?
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