It’s funny, one day I was complaining to my BF about people always putting me in charge of things. I was just like “Why is it always me?”
He looked at me and laughed and said because you put yourself in that position. He said I am a “get it done” type no matter what and most people will see that and then put me in charge of stuff. He said that it’s hard for me to play the background especially if I think I can do something better or faster.
And so just like with anything he tells me about myself, I denied, denied, denied. Haha! I feel like I always fight his thoughts at first and then God gives me these a-ha moments where I always have to come back and say, “You were right.” So talking to my mom one day, I was explaining how my best friend is supposed to be planning a little girl’s night get together. She hates entertaining, but I was doing my best to let her take the reign. As I was talking to my mom I said, “Oh I will probably just have it since she’s dragging her feet,” and no short after that I gasped and held my chest. This was the big one. This was the revelation that I am always trying to take charge of something and I realized that my best friend exploits that in me because she was trying to get me to do it the whole time! She’s so smart!
But it was in that moment that I decided, “NOPE! I’m not gonna do it to myself.” I am not going to be the person who can never sit back and just say, “It’s your turn!” I had to learn that for my sanity. I am in charge of enough of my own things. I honestly don’t need ONE more thing to be in charge of. There it was, the moment I had to return to him and say, “I see what you’re saying.”
I am learning things fiercely about myself! Maybe it’s because I’m slowly creeping up the ladder to 30. But I am surely learning how to bring more peace and sanity into my life in various ways. It is SO necessary. I am always here, always there, always doing this, building this, and let me tell you I am tired. I am all about working smarter not harder these days. But it took time. It took time for me to learn that just because I don’t have an event scheduled doesn’t mean I am available. Occasionally, I simply need a mental health evening, or an evening to clean my place, or an evening to sit on the couch and eat popcorn and watch Being Mary Jane. Whatever the case, I had to learn to schedule time for ME, MYSELF, and I and be able to say NO to people trying to impose on that time.
I am also desperately trying to learn to focus! I’ve noticed that when I am not enthused about doing something at work, I do 20 million other things that distract from it and none of it is productive for my own pursuits or otherwise. So I took the notifications off my phone. All of them. I might not even know you’ve texted me. SORRY. But again my sanity is so important to me. J I also sometimes put the phone under my desk just so I can concentrate on the task at hand. I also set time limits. I will work on one thing for two hours, the next for one, whatever schedule I have to set. It’s the little things that help me feel like my life is not completely all over the place.
Lastly, I started to have a better morning routine. I am a better person all around when I take the time to pray and chat with God about it all. I also have the opportunity to journal, and in general just take quiet time for myself in the mornings. This has become a priority no matter what else is going on. Except maybe this Thursday when I have to get on a train to DC at the crack of dawn, but you get the picture.
And you may think this post is all over the place but let me reel it in. It started with realizing that I clearly have a problem with stepping into leadership roles I do not want. And that made me realize there were a lot of other things I needed to evaluate about how I was living my life and packing it with unnecessary confusion and seemingly going slightly crazy. Maybe it’s just a natural progression of getting older, but I no longer want my life to consist of chaos. The hustle and busy bustle with a lack of productivity is detrimental to sanity and success. To produce all that I plan to in life, my mind and heart need to be clear and I must orchestrate the best practices to maintain that starting with one of the easiest things to do which is learning how to say “NO.” People will use you up, period. You are the only one responsible for you, responsible for your sanity and your peace.
Has someone close to you told you about qualities or characteristics you have that you didn’t want to face at first?