Dear Love | Love On Your Terms

Recently, I saw a tweet where someone was talking about how everyone deserves the kind of love that John Legend sings about in “All of Me.” Very cute and innocent at first but when I thought about it a little more I thought, “That’s not true.” How can we measure up what we deserve to another person who is speaking specifically of his relationship with his own wife? See we can never get what John Legend is singing about in our own relationships because we are not married to John Legend. Stay with me here it is going somewhere. Lol.

Essentially, what I am saying is, so many times we compare our relationships to what we see. We post pictures with the hashtag #relationshipgoals of people like Bey and Jay and we aren’t Bey and the man we’re with is not hardly Jay. So what I fear is that we live in a time where a lot of us are setting up unrealistic expectations for what our relationships should really be like.

I talk about loving on your own terms a lot because I too have been victim to thinking that my love life should look like something on TV or something that I’ve seen. It’s okay to see nice things or to admire people’s relationships but you really can’t get caught up in it. We have to learn to focus on what’s right in front of us and not everything else.

Think of what’s really important to you. Think of what you need to feel really loved. And yes that may come from examples but I really want you to define your relationship for yourself. I remember distinctly talking to an ex-boyfriend a while back. He said “Ashley, we get to define how we are exes.” And that really stuck with me years later. A lot of people and sometimes society in general will try to tell you what you should do or should not do with your exes, your currents, and your futures. But ultimately, you are in charge of your own life, you are in charge of your own relationships.

See what works for you in a relationship might not work for me. Or one really good example I can think of is all the people who say, “Well if your man doesn’t post you on his social media, something is wrong.” Well what about the people who don’t like to share their personal lives on social media? If that is not an issue for you, but you are listening to what other people say about it, eventually it’s going to get into your psyche when it never even bothered you in the first place. Maybe neither one of you post about your relationship on social media. Maybe you do and he’s private, who cares. The bottom line is, don’t bring the world into what’s really personal and really intimate between two people.

It happens to the best of us, believe me. But each day, I learn to love in my own terms, my own way. I have plenty of couples that I think are great and that are positive influences in my life, but at the end of the day, this thing that I have is between me and him. And it should be that way. You and your partner against the world. Don’t let just anything in. Be careful of coveting things that will never be your life. And don’t go measuring up your partner to people they will never be. That goes both ways, with men and women.

You may be thinking, “Ashley it is really not that serious, this person was just talking about a nice song.” And yes that could probably be the case and yes I do think way too much. But I do know that sometimes it’s the simple things that we don’t really think are that deep that can slowly cause a wedge in a good thing. Remember, I am focused on my love being intentional, deliberate and on purpose and that sometimes means thinking about the little things.

Photo: Huffington Post 

Come on fess up! Have you ever felt like you were coveting a celebrity relationship or something you saw in a movie? I have for sure, I have even found myself using lines from my favorite movies in real life. LOL! 

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